When Josh was born, little did we know that his top vertebra was completely turned upside down and out of position. We did know he screamed any time you turned him wrong. Josh was born with anxiety. He was two days old when Todd and I brought him home. On the several hour drive back to Big Springs, where we lived at the time, we put him in the back seat facing the rear and I hopped back in front thinking a newborn would sleep, right? Wrong. He screamed. And he screamed. I finally got back into the back with him and he quit screaming.
This reaction continued through out those months. I wasn’t on “happy pills” at the time and the stress of his neediness about did me in.
Fast forward a year, it was obvious the kiddo had allergies. I mean excessive allergies.
The Mother’s Day Out program said he couldn’t come back because of his runny nose and continuous crying.
When I was told that news, this mother bear went into action. By then I was on my “happy pills” and was able to deal with all of the stress he caused in a much healthier way.
I made him a promise, that this momma would do what ever it took to keep him healthy and secure.
My life consisted of weekly or more chiropractic visits, then allergy dr visits.
He was eventually put on Singular and allergy shots.
Almost losing him to asthma attacks four different times increased my mission to do what ever it took to keep him alive.
Singular was a wonder drug that seemed to help. Fifteen years of Singular. FIFTEEN.
A few weeks ago, the FDA put a black box warning on Singular. This is the worse warning possible. What a slap. I immediately went into action. I was able to speak to the Momma who began the fight against Singular and the Myrck manufacturer. She fought for her son and all others on this drug for TEN years. Finally, a black box warning. She set me up with a call to the woman who is the spearhead of the legal battle. We talked for almost an hour. I don’t want to go into all the details of that fight, but what I will tell you is this drug altered my baby’s brain. She has been in the middle of this fight and seen hundreds of cases. Myrck has finally admitted it did cross into the brain and has caused many degrees of reaction. I told her Josh’s story and then she ask:
Did he quit taking the Singular? Yes. HE. DID. He wanted off of all allergy medication so he could join the military. (We knew there was no way he would be accepted, but wanted to support him.)
Then she told me the most gut wrenching news….
Of the many cases she has been involved with, she can 99% say that Josh’s brain was affected by Singular and his quick and sudden suicide was a withdrawal symptom she has seen over and over. Even though he had suffered with depression since 2011, the altercation of his brain after all of those years of taking Singular, couldn’t handle the final trigger that happened 12 hours earlier.
It makes sense….
I wasn’t and am not looking for a blame. Todd and I are at peace with what happened and have accepted it.
I do not feel guilty. I don’t have regrets.
This news isn’t even 100% truth. BUT it has been a lot to process.
You see, I spent his entire life doing the best to keep him alive from his allergies and asthma.
I spent from 2011 doing the best I could to keep him alive from that horrible demon called mental illness.
I dedicated my life for 18 years with him by my side. Homeschooling him because he couldn’t have been able to attend public. Every aspect of our lives had to revolve around his needs.
What a wonderful gift though to have watched him move out on his own for four months. Experiencing life like he was supposed to. Knowing now how happy he was with the love of his life.
The coming of April always brings a heaviness to our hearts. Add this news of Singular. Then add the craziness of Covid – 19.
Funny thing is, this virus hasn’t scared me. Everyone’s life is turned upside down. Guess what? Mine has been since April 12, 2017.
My emotions are all over the place. The missing of Joshua has been magnified. Families pulled apart for a time being, moms griping about having their kids home ALL DAY, some bitching about Trump. JUST SHUT UP!
We can’t even go to TX to be with Amber because now anyone coming from New Orleans must be quarantined.
I spent 18 years making sure Josh didn’t have an asthma attack and die. I spent 6 years doing what I could to keep him alive from depression.
He is still dead. I did everything right. He is still gone.
This has been a long, yucky post, but I want you to know…
You can do all the right things. In the end we are not promised it will ever be enough. Even though my emotions are crazy right now, I have a very strong peace that it’s ok. Do the best you can but give it over to God. It is called faith. I could ask and ask WHY us! WHY did Josh have such a tough time with his body.
I don’t know. BUT, I do know we had 18 wonderful years with him. Even amongst his health issues, I saw a boy who knew how to fight fear, fight to keep going and fight to have fun.
Always a smile, always thinking, always a quirky sense of humor.
Oh I miss my boy. My heart is broken, yet I continue on. I may have had to go back to one day at a time right now, but God is walking with me. My faith is sure that one day, Josh will meet me at those pearly gates and say something snarky and funny. I’ll ask, “What do you say?” and he will reply, “I love you mommy”.
