I know all the God stuff to say. But you know, it's hard to turn to Jesus everyday. It takes such effort to even breathe.Sometimes I sit and stare at nothing. I think of Joshua all my waking hours. I keep expecting his text. I always keep my phone handy because he will panic if I don't answer right away.
No matter what he needs, if I don't answer right away he panics.
I'm trying not to keep my phone on the table at restaurants now. It's in my purse. But then I suddenly remember it's in my purse and grab it to make sure he didn't text me, then I remember. I won't hear the robotic text tone again. I heard it the other day but I had to remind myself it wasn't him. He doesn't need me now.
I spent 18 1/2 years taking care of him. Besides being my best bud, it was always something to do with his health.
His migraines, his brain MRI's, his chiropractic appointments, his allergy shots. Thousands of allergy shots from the time he was 2 till he turned 18. Asthma, more allergies. Then the mental health. His anxiety. He tried to wear contacts. But again, he would freak and I would work for a good 45 minutes helping him get them into his eyes. lol. All on my shoulders to help. Oh yes, Todd always helped when he could, but he did have to work.
Sometimes I go there.... the place I shouldn't. But I always took care of him. The only mommy guilt, I guess you would say, is I should have been the one to clean him up. I should have been the one to wash the blood off because he didn't like to get stuff on himself. I should have dressed him and fixed his face.
I know it was good I didn't. But still.... I did wipe his makeup off his face so I could see his freckles one last time. Todd cut some of his hair, making sure we could have the random gray strands. It's weird what you would do for your child.
And then I purposely try to remember that's what God does for us. He is there to walk this crappy journey with me. This too will NOT PASS because I must walk it. It's the hardest thing in the world to know your child put a gun between his eyes and pulled the trigger. My sweet boy.
But, then I remember that God cares. He has helped us walk the past three months.
So, I grab his hand. I walk and trip alot. I don't feel like holding his hand, but I do.
What joy to know that Jesus grabbed Joshua's hand too. He is healed and doesn't need me to take care of the failed body anymore. For once, he is healed!
