Computers, Coffee and my Boy: September 2017

Your room…..

Your safe spot….

That room was your’s for the past 5 years.

You moved into that room a very depressed 13 year old.

Over the next five years it would become a safe spot, a healing spot.

The place NO ONE could enter without stressing you.

The place we heard you laughing and laughing with Andrew, Desi and Ryan.

As your laughter carried down the stairs, visitors would think you had someone up there.

No, just your online friends…..

Flick, flick, flick…. As you opened and closed your knife as you played and talked to your friends.

That certain squeak I still wish I could hear as you opened your door to yell, “mom” every single time.

“Oh, hi Dad. Where’s mom?” “Want to go get some ice cream?” “Mom, what’s for dinner?”

The floor I laid down in to comfort you when you were having an episode. The safe place you could go to and cry, laugh, and play.

Not even letting Sadie step foot into your room. Many times I caught you lying in the doorway holding Sadie because she was scared of the weather.

The room you didn’t want touched when you moved to your own apartment. The room you came back to and took a nap because you said you slept better in the Big House.

The special furniture your dad made for you. The furniture you helped your dad make when we lived in Dayton.

Remember how proud you were? That smile….. The first time you walked into your room and Daddy had it all set up!

Now, your room is almost bare. I am so happy we can let someone else use your furniture.

I had to leave as they moved it out. Your dad was at work. We couldn’t see it taken out of your room. Something about it leaving the room, your space….. It was your’s.

You would be very happy to know that it is being used by your best friends as they move to a new apartment.

Our hope for joy, just as you had using that made out of love furniture

Your toothbrush will just have to stay for now….

Thank you room…..

Grief… I don’t like it. I had been doing better I thought. But what is better??

Then Harvey hit. Nothing, once again, is the same. I was having one melt down after another. I couldn’t get a grasp on my feelings.

Then my sweet neighbor, who had lost her 16-year-old daughter years ago, sent me this:

Three months after she died we had that hurricane hit in 2008 and were without power two weeks. Everyone was supposed to be so happy we had our lives and homes but the outward devastation that mirrored my inner devastation was too much. I was completely wigged out and retriggered and grieving on every possible level. No one understood how much that storm upset cost me inside and how much fear and anxiety I carried. Trauma upon trauma was too much.

YES! The outward devastation that mirrored my inner devastation.

We tried to help many friends. But I just couldn’t handle it. Everyone walking around in shock. The pain in people’s eyes was familiar. That out of control feeling…..

I decided the best thing for me to do was cook. So, I baked and baked desserts for my friends to use in the meals taken to people across Kingwood.

I have been getting through the last 5 months by having a plan for each day.

Simple things, like getting my nails done, going by Star Bucks every day, going to HEB with Beth, lunch with Tammy or other friends. I work on Thursdays and Fridays which gives me pleasure.

Now, suddenly, my simple plan is turned upside down again. My life feels out of control again. All of my daily stops have been destroyed. NO! THIS IS TOO MUCH!

Todd had us go see my parents for a weekend. I got my nails done, my hair cut, Sadie’s haircut.

Sounds trivial, but I needed something familiar.

September is Suicide awareness month. I won’t stop telling Josh’s story. Helping others become aware. September 12…. 5 months……September 13…. 6 years for Zach. OH, GOD MY HEART!

Everyone knows how excited I get for football season. I can’t wait to go to TAMU campus!! The first game was UCLA. A total embarrassment for our team. Even the one thing that I thought would get my mind off of things started out horrible. My first thought…. Oh, I hope none of the boys kill themselves over the game.

The next weekend we went to campus. I have always loved getting there early to yell and scream as the team gets off the bus and walks to the field. Then a sense of pride as the Corp marched in. But nothing was exciting this time. After half time, I went into the bathroom and hid in a stall and cried. We had to go home. I couldn’t handle the crowd.

Who am I? What have I become? Will nothing ever give me happiness again? Yes, I know it will return.

Josh is healed, Josh is healed, Josh is healed!!

After two days of working at Boxwood and hearing story after story of losses, people rebuying decorations, etc., I found out that a member of my online support group had lost their second son to suicide. No, I don’t personally know this couple, yet they have become very special in our group. It is a place where you can go and say whatever you wish and the members get it. I have become close to several. We have a bond. I love them.

I shared on FB about my hurt. After all, it is MY FB. Amazingly, a so called friend attacked me for not being more compassionate. How I needed to be more empathetic. I was sharing the loss so everyone could pray. After such a long day of listening to people talk about material losses, I was spent! Nothing I own or car about from a material perspective matters compared to a loss of a person. I wasn’t supposed to outlive my baby boy! The attack made me furious. IT’S ONLY BEEN FIVE MONTHS! NO, I’m not “over it” yet! The comments finally triggered my emotions to the point that it’s harder and harder to get out of bed.