Even If

Zach’s sister, Madison, posted this today:

Today marks 5 years since the last time I attempted to overdose and kill myself. I started crying today thinking about what would have happened if I went through with it. I felt insanely guilty at the pain I would have caused my already broken family. How I might have led my friends down the same path. I don't think it's possible to understand the pain someone has to be in to want to end their life unless you've been there. After my brother died, I was in denial for a year, and when I did finally realize that he was dead, my life was in absolute shambles. My parents did everything they could. I was in counseling, psychiatry, support groups, and every possible healing outlet they could find. I absolutely hated every second of it and I hated them for making me go but today I am so thankful that they loved me enough to do everything in their power to heal me. It was after my first suicide attempt that I was put into an outpatient mental hospital. My parents babysat me day in and day out when I wasn't at the hospital. I lashed out in every way I could. I said disgustingly hurtful things to my parents and screamed to them that I was going to kill myself almost every day. I hated that my brother got to take the easy way out and how I was stuck here to deal with the damage. I hated how people told me it would be selfish for me to kill myself after my brother. I hated how my friends didn't know what was happening to me. I hid everything from everyone except my parents. When I finally told my best friends that I was in a mental hospital on suicide watch, one of them replied immediately and filled my phone with love and support. However, my other friends didn't reply for 2 days, and at that point only one of them replied at all. The anger I felt after that just added to my pain. I didn't start healing for years. I got out of the mental hospital but went back in not even months later. I tried to commit suicide one day after a mental breakdown on the way home from counseling where I picked a fight with my parents and realized I didn't want to heal anymore. I was done. I cried the whole way home from counseling and found my medication and swallowed every pill in my 3 bottles. I was immediately terrified and wanted to tell my parents what I did, but I decided that I would just see if I could throw up because I felt so guilty. Not a single pill came out of my body when I threw up minutes after taking them. I realized that I was going to die. I told my mom and dad that I was sorry for fighting with them and that I loved them and I went upstairs and got in bed. I slept for 2 days. I woke up, alive and breathing, and realized I was strangely content that I was alive. I decided I was going to get better because clearly it was not the right time for me to die. I regretted it so much and ended up telling my parents in between sobs that I attempted suicide. They were so thankful I was alive and immediately put me in another intensive counseling program and I started getting better. Finally, I found the right counselor and medication and started the real healing process. Depression and trauma aren't something you just "get over". Some people, like my brother's best friend, Josh, weren't as lucky as me to heal. For some it was too much. I am so so so thankful that I was able to heal. I am so happy to be living and thriving in this time. Please be kind to people who are not healing. I promise, they want to and they are trying, even if it seems like they are not. Healing is not a quick process. From start to finish, my suicidal/depression journey was 5 years (and I still deal with depression daily). If you are feeling suicidal, please feel free to reach out to me because I absolutely know how you feel. Depression is shitty. Suicidal thoughts are overpowering. It is possible to overcome them. If you need help finding a counselor, definitely let me know because I have literally tried every single counselor in the Houston area. I love each and every one of you so much and you have all been a part of my healing process and I am so grateful to be so loved. Thank you for supporting me on my very long journey! I am so excited and blessed to be alive!

 

I am so proud of her. I’m proud of how hard she has fought and how hard she continues to fight every day. The day Joshua died, Madison fell into my arms. I looked at her and told her that her mom and I couldn’t lose her too…. Ever…..

For those years after Zach died, God had a us in a little club. Me, Josh, Beth, and Madison.

We four were the ones who saw every ugly detail of the life we were in. Todd and Michael were of course involved, but were working. Taylor and Amber were off at school and only saw what Beth and I told them.

Our friends didn’t see much of this. It was unbelievably hard. But God……….

Beth and I look back on this and wonder how in the world did we make it. But God…..

I am incredibly proud of Madison. But just as proud as I am of her, I am equally proud of Joshua.

He fought until he couldn’t fight anymore.

He tasted what it was like to be “normal” for a few short months and just couldn’t go back in the ring again. The pain and fight was more than his brain would allow him to do.

Mental illness is a terrible disease. To the outside a person might appear to be perfectly fine.

They may laugh, smile, make others laugh.

I don’t know why my boy wasn’t healed here on earth.

That’s a question I don’t dwell on because I know now he is more healed than ever.

I don’t and never will blame God. He didn’t do any of this.

I do believe that beauty can be made from ashes.

I know Madison will continue to help others. As long as I live, I will be Joshua’s voice. I will speak loud and clear about mental illness.

Please help us be a voice!

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

(Even If… Mercy Me)