Gotcha Day

Dear Joshy,

We just celebrated your birthday two days ago. But this day, Gotcha Day, August 3, is most important to me. It is the day that you were placed in my arms. 

Your sweet birth momma and daddy cried and cried. As she was leaving the room, she kissed your little forehead and said, “I’ll always love you.” What a sacrifice Josh. What a blessing for me and Daddy and Amber.

Today marks 19 years that we have had the privilege of calling you our son. We had 18 years, 4 months and 12 days to hug you, watch you and laugh with you on this earth.

When your birth mom unselfishly gave you to me, I had no idea what was ahead.

A life of laughs, messiness, and smiles. Oh, and noise! Always, noise of some sort! 

 

I’m glad that God chose us to be your parents. How, except from an all - knowing God would I receive a little Asian kid who was just like me in so many ways? Pretty cool if you ask me!

I feel a little lost without my best buddy right now. It hurts so much not to have you here to take to Taste of Texas to celebrate your day or have you orchestrate a loan to buy a knife or new earphones only to pay us back with your birthday money. Always the business man!

You may not be here on earth, but we celebrate your Gotcha Day!  The day you became my boy!

A few months ago, I had to kiss your little forehead and tell you I would always love you as I said goodbye to the body I raised. 

If you were standing right here, I would chase you down and plant a big ole kiss on you and tell you over and over... forever and always, "I will always love you!"

Mommy

3 months...

Three months. Wow! We made it. I don't want to make it. I don't want to be in this stupid club. (No, I'm not suicidal. Don't freak.)
I know all the God stuff to say. But you know, it's hard to turn to Jesus everyday. It takes such effort to even breathe.

Sometimes I sit and stare at nothing. I think of Joshua all my waking hours. I keep expecting his text. I always keep my phone handy because he will panic if I don't answer right away.
No matter what he needs, if I don't answer right away he panics.
I'm trying not to keep my phone on the table at restaurants now. It's in my purse. But then I suddenly remember it's in my purse and grab it to make sure he didn't text me, then I remember. I won't hear the robotic text tone again. I heard it the other day but I had to remind myself it wasn't him. He doesn't need me now.

I spent 18 1/2 years taking care of him. Besides being my best bud, it was always something to do with his health.
His migraines, his brain MRI's, his chiropractic appointments, his allergy shots. Thousands of allergy shots from the time he was 2 till he turned 18. Asthma, more allergies. Then the mental health. His anxiety. He tried to wear contacts. But again, he would freak and I would work for a good 45 minutes helping him get them into his eyes. lol. All on my shoulders to help. Oh yes, Todd always helped when he could, but he did have to work.

Sometimes I go there.... the place I shouldn't. But I always took care of him. The only mommy guilt, I guess you would say, is I should have been the one to clean him up. I should have been the one to wash the blood off because he didn't like to get stuff on himself. I should have dressed him and fixed his face.
I know it was good I didn't. But still.... I did wipe his makeup off his face so I could see his freckles one last time. Todd cut some of his hair, making sure we could have the random gray strands. It's weird what you would do for your child.

And then I purposely try to remember that's what God does for us. He is there to walk this crappy journey with me. This too will NOT PASS because I must walk it. It's the hardest thing in the world to know your child put a gun between his eyes and pulled the trigger. My sweet boy.
But, then I remember that God cares. He has helped us walk the past three months.

So, I grab his hand. I walk and trip alot. I don't feel like holding his hand, but I do.
What joy to know that Jesus grabbed Joshua's hand too. He is healed and doesn't need me to take care of the failed body anymore. For once, he is healed!

Friends

I Thank My God Every-time I Remember You.... Philippians 1:3 

·      Friends who stop what they are doing and drive you to your son’s apartment to confirm his death.

·      Go to your daughter’s house so you can call and tell her about her brother

·      Drive your daughter part way home and hand her off to other friends so they can get her home.

·      Drive as fast as they can to help deal with the police and  M.E. officials.

·      Stay with your dead son and escort his body to the van so he won’t be alone.

·      Fill your house with love as you wait for your husband to make it home.

·      Buy groceries in the middle of the night.

·      Unknown friends hand your husband tissues in the middle of the airport as he cries out. Then searches until he finds us to give a message of care.

·      Sit at your house the next morning before you get up.

·      Instruct you in what to do.

·      Sit with you at the funeral home.

·      Drive you to the embalming place to get his finger print in order to open his phone.

·      Help write his obituary.

·      Take me to Sonic for some kind of normalcy

·      Fill your texts and FB with love.

·      Let you tell the story, over and over.

·      Food.

·      Loan their house so parents can stay.

·      Feed you.

·      Come from 10 hours away to be with you.

·      Look at my sweet boy even tho I know they would rather have not.

·      Support as you kiss and hug your boy.

·      Make sure everything is perfect at the funeral.

·      Clean out your son’s apartment when the hazmat people are finished.

·      Text me

·      Hug me every.single.time. I walk into SB.

·      Because she works there, sit with my boy as he is rolled into the furnace so he won’t be alone. Get his ashes and bring them to me.

·      Seem to know what we need because after all, didn’t we JUST go through this 5 years ago.

·      Continue to meet me.

·      Continually text.

·      “Like” my posts.

·      Pray, pray, pray

Thank you God for friends. Friends that I know have done so much more than this………

The past 11 week are such a blur….  I’m walking and doing and breathing. There is so much I should remember but don’t. So much more friends have done.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

“A True Friend Sees the Pain in Your Eyes While Everyone Else Believes Your Smile.”

It is Well With My Soul…… but is it?

Nanelle led us in a rendition of this song on Sunday… reminded us that Josh and others are in heaven and ALL IS WELL WITH THEIR SOUL now.

Todd and I had a good ugly cry during that song, but peace as well.

Is it well with my soul?

But God, you could have healed Josh completely.

But God,  you could have jammed the gun. I’ve heard of other failed suicide attempts.

But God,  you could take away this pain.

But God……..

But God didn’t….. Is it well with my soul?

This is so easy to say when things are going well…Oh yes we are so blessed! Oh, look what God did for us. Blah, blah, blah…..

But can I honestly say It is Well?

Through the pain and tears it IS well with my soul.

I hold on to God. He said NO, but it is well…..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHosmHnOrb8

“Even if…”  IT IS WELL!