CLIMB

CLIMB

My word of the year. CLIMB!!

It’s a hard journey that climb thing.

But I don’t want to climb any more…. It HURTS!

“Climb”, says my Sista’s.

“Climb”, says my neighborhood kids.

I fall down and bust my knees. God says, “CLIMB”.

It feels like a huge, weight has been put into my backpack. I trudge forward because God has my safety rope. He pulls, I make it again.

This isn’t the way our family or life is supposed to look like. Todd says, “we will climb it together!”

I’m not the same fight back type person I was. I can't do it....

“Keep climbing” says my counselor. “You are doing amazing. You are finally healing after years of taking care of others.” “Climb…”

But my baby isn’t here. The one that depended on me for 18 years. But he has climbed to the HIGHEST of HIGH. “You can do it, Mom!”

Half of my heart is in Heaven. Half of it here.  Thank you for the cross Lord. One day I will climb to the highest peak, but not now. I have a huge mountain to keep climbing.

My phone gets a text, “CLIMB MOM.” I smile at the precious picture of my girl and her BIG baby.

But ALL of my friends are back in Texas.

 I can’t be in the capacity some friends need or I once was. I'm doing the best I can in this new, PA mountain range. 

“Climb”, says my new friend, who on a whim, came into Talbots on a night I took another shift.

“Climb”, says the new fulfilling church service we went to. “Have a protein bar and remember where your strength comes from.” “Jehovah Jireh” sang the choir. “Climb,” says the choir as they sang this song from Josh's and my favorite NYC choir.

Days of fog I don’t want to share Josh’s story. But that tug of the rope is there, I share and God uses my boy once again to help another, right there in the middle of Hallmark.

“CLIMB,” says the “Encounter” speaker Tuesday night. “Stare ahead to the Lord so you won’t steer off the path.”

YES. “Prepare your mind with the things of the Lord so WHEN you encounter a season of mountains, you will be able to climb.”

Do I continue to climb, even when I stumble? YES, YES, YES!

Am I a perfect Christian or person? OH, NO!!

I made the statement when Josh died that I would not let it debilitate me. Cry, hurt, scream? YES! But I know where my strength comes from. JEHOVAH JIRAH, MY PROVIDER.

The one who fastens my safety harness and helps me CLIMB!

Who provides my rescue team encouraging me to CLIMB!

CLIMB

He is fading....

He is fading….. wait….. please don’t go….

A simple thank you note written by the parents of the precious two year old across the street. Thanking us for her birthday gift. You see, she struggles to speak words. We cheer when she says “bye” as I cross the street. Her mommas glow with pride when they tell me of more words she is learning. So the thank you note is meaningful on so many levels. “ I am learning to say “JOSH.” These neighbors I have only known for a few short months, pour over everything I post on FB. Learning about my boy. They told me they recognize his smile. They are getting to know Josh.

Next door my sweet Alex, innocently, yet sincerely tells me that Josh would have an asthma attack if he had been with us at the pumpkin patch. I smiled and agreed. She sat at the table last week scrolling through years of pictures. Asking about different ones. Alex knows Josh.

At home for a wedding, a young man Josh’s age who recently wed, tells me how he cried when a butterfly landed on his pants leg during the ceremony. He told me he thought a lot about Josh.  What? I never knew. I didn’t know as you grew up and came to my house for airsoft wars.

Desi, Josh’s online best friend for many years ask if she could have some of his “items” from a game they used to play for hours.  How special it would be. Amber went on Josh’s account and gave them to her. A simple thing but again, she is keeping Josh alive.

But, where are some of the memories from his childhood? Please share with me…. He is fading…. I’m glad you will always remember him…. But he is fading……. TELL ME…

What do you occasionally laugh about? What memory do you have?

Why, why have so many that helped raise him gone on? Why would you not help keep my boy alive?

Ashtyn and Nick only knew Josh for 28 months. Ashtyn continually thinks of stories and we laugh and laugh. He is alive in Ashtyn….

I have a FB messenger group that Kelly named, “FAM”. Yes, sweet kids, to me they are my kids.

We share what is going on in their lives. Everyonce in a while I ask for a memory…. They keep him alive….

Oh “V”. Thank you for not leaving me. Thank you for all the stories of the 4 short months you had with him.  Thank you for letting me watch as you move on, yet include Ashtyn and I.

Oh, believe me, I know that time goes on and life moves on. I love hearing what Josh’s childhood friends are doing and watching them succeed.  

When a parent loses a child, the biggest fear is that they will not be remembered. That their name won’t be said.

I go through his emails. I dig through his account. Is there something new I haven’t seen? A funny picture? Oh please friends of his. Dig through every picture, video. Are you sure there isn’t something else I can see?

Beth gets it. Josh kept Zach alive. But now they are both together and we are trying to remember. To keep them both alive.

"We are praying for you."  STOP! I KNOW YOU ARE. I WANT MY BOY TO BE ALIVE. TELL ME THE MEMORIES. 

The last picture taken of you. The radiant happy young man. Oh sweet boy. That picture is getting further and further away in my photos.

Todd, please lift him up so I can put my arms around his body one more time. That shell. The one in the new tennis shoes, fancy jeans and black shirt. Your glasses are smudged. Like always.

I put both arms around you, trying to hold you up. This shell, the one I raised.

 

In reality, you and Zach are alive and well. Both of you are healed. Running ahead of us. Joyful and happy. YOU REALLY ARE ALIVE.

This is grief ya’ll. This is reality. I am content and joyful in my sorrow because Jesus lives in me and he lives with Joshua. We are just in different spots right now.

Please don’t worry about me. I’m good. God is good. This is just things that go through your mind and heart when your child is gone.

Please don’t fade….. AS LONG AS I HAVE BREATH YOU WILL LIVE.

“I’m learning to say Josh!”

Even If

Zach’s sister, Madison, posted this today:

Today marks 5 years since the last time I attempted to overdose and kill myself. I started crying today thinking about what would have happened if I went through with it. I felt insanely guilty at the pain I would have caused my already broken family. How I might have led my friends down the same path. I don't think it's possible to understand the pain someone has to be in to want to end their life unless you've been there. After my brother died, I was in denial for a year, and when I did finally realize that he was dead, my life was in absolute shambles. My parents did everything they could. I was in counseling, psychiatry, support groups, and every possible healing outlet they could find. I absolutely hated every second of it and I hated them for making me go but today I am so thankful that they loved me enough to do everything in their power to heal me. It was after my first suicide attempt that I was put into an outpatient mental hospital. My parents babysat me day in and day out when I wasn't at the hospital. I lashed out in every way I could. I said disgustingly hurtful things to my parents and screamed to them that I was going to kill myself almost every day. I hated that my brother got to take the easy way out and how I was stuck here to deal with the damage. I hated how people told me it would be selfish for me to kill myself after my brother. I hated how my friends didn't know what was happening to me. I hid everything from everyone except my parents. When I finally told my best friends that I was in a mental hospital on suicide watch, one of them replied immediately and filled my phone with love and support. However, my other friends didn't reply for 2 days, and at that point only one of them replied at all. The anger I felt after that just added to my pain. I didn't start healing for years. I got out of the mental hospital but went back in not even months later. I tried to commit suicide one day after a mental breakdown on the way home from counseling where I picked a fight with my parents and realized I didn't want to heal anymore. I was done. I cried the whole way home from counseling and found my medication and swallowed every pill in my 3 bottles. I was immediately terrified and wanted to tell my parents what I did, but I decided that I would just see if I could throw up because I felt so guilty. Not a single pill came out of my body when I threw up minutes after taking them. I realized that I was going to die. I told my mom and dad that I was sorry for fighting with them and that I loved them and I went upstairs and got in bed. I slept for 2 days. I woke up, alive and breathing, and realized I was strangely content that I was alive. I decided I was going to get better because clearly it was not the right time for me to die. I regretted it so much and ended up telling my parents in between sobs that I attempted suicide. They were so thankful I was alive and immediately put me in another intensive counseling program and I started getting better. Finally, I found the right counselor and medication and started the real healing process. Depression and trauma aren't something you just "get over". Some people, like my brother's best friend, Josh, weren't as lucky as me to heal. For some it was too much. I am so so so thankful that I was able to heal. I am so happy to be living and thriving in this time. Please be kind to people who are not healing. I promise, they want to and they are trying, even if it seems like they are not. Healing is not a quick process. From start to finish, my suicidal/depression journey was 5 years (and I still deal with depression daily). If you are feeling suicidal, please feel free to reach out to me because I absolutely know how you feel. Depression is shitty. Suicidal thoughts are overpowering. It is possible to overcome them. If you need help finding a counselor, definitely let me know because I have literally tried every single counselor in the Houston area. I love each and every one of you so much and you have all been a part of my healing process and I am so grateful to be so loved. Thank you for supporting me on my very long journey! I am so excited and blessed to be alive!

 

I am so proud of her. I’m proud of how hard she has fought and how hard she continues to fight every day. The day Joshua died, Madison fell into my arms. I looked at her and told her that her mom and I couldn’t lose her too…. Ever…..

For those years after Zach died, God had a us in a little club. Me, Josh, Beth, and Madison.

We four were the ones who saw every ugly detail of the life we were in. Todd and Michael were of course involved, but were working. Taylor and Amber were off at school and only saw what Beth and I told them.

Our friends didn’t see much of this. It was unbelievably hard. But God……….

Beth and I look back on this and wonder how in the world did we make it. But God…..

I am incredibly proud of Madison. But just as proud as I am of her, I am equally proud of Joshua.

He fought until he couldn’t fight anymore.

He tasted what it was like to be “normal” for a few short months and just couldn’t go back in the ring again. The pain and fight was more than his brain would allow him to do.

Mental illness is a terrible disease. To the outside a person might appear to be perfectly fine.

They may laugh, smile, make others laugh.

I don’t know why my boy wasn’t healed here on earth.

That’s a question I don’t dwell on because I know now he is more healed than ever.

I don’t and never will blame God. He didn’t do any of this.

I do believe that beauty can be made from ashes.

I know Madison will continue to help others. As long as I live, I will be Joshua’s voice. I will speak loud and clear about mental illness.

Please help us be a voice!

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

(Even If… Mercy Me)