Why?

Why did he do it? Didn’t he know what it had done to the Sinclair family when Zach killed himself? Didn’t he know what this was going to do to his family? Didn’t he know this would just kill his mother?

YES! He did.

Todd and Amber and I want you to know the truth. The horrible, catastrophic truth.

After Zach killed himself on September 13, 2011, when the boys were 13, Josh lost his smile, he lost his will to live as the time went on. We put Josh into counseling the week after his death. Around the year anniversary, Josh went into a severe clinical depression. We went to counseling every single week. Sometimes twice.

Six months after Zach’s death, Josh accidently hit me in the eye with a lacrosse ball. I went through 6 months of three surgeries, 6 months of pain meds, etc.

He felt so guilty.

We moved to Kingwood hoping to be closer to any friend. From 2012 – 2015 Josh rarely came out of his room. He wouldn’t talk to his dad about it. Only me.

We went to counseling and more. The anxiety and stress is in explainable.

He had his “friends” online. And for those years, his room was his safe spot. His security. He was with his friends there.

He tried to go to classes. Good thing we homeschooled. He tried to go to family functions. Not even our family knew what was going on behind our doors.

Time after time I had to talk him down off the cliff.

There are knife marks on his stomach where he threatened to cut himself. He held a knife to his throat once. Each and every time, I was the only one who could talk him down.

I was with him 24 hours a day. We never knew when we left him alone for a minute or two to go run an errand if I would return to him dead in his room. We had to give him over to God.

Those years were exhausting. Finally during that time we had to hospitalize him. Don’t you see? He didn’t really want to die. He was just in so much pain, he couldn’t take it.

In December 2014 is when he was hired by Star Bucks. Slowly, he began to smile again. Slowly, he had a purpose. Slowly, he made new friends.

We were so happy to see him beginning to live again. But in that sweet brain was still this horrible thing called mental illness.

A foreign man yelled at him for not getting his drink right and understanding what he was saying. Josh fell apart and called me from the back. I talked him down again.

A co-worker he was close to decided to go back to school. Once again, it took a lot of time to talk him through it.

He was getting stronger but every time a “loss” occurred, it was something that took time to get over and I would have to walk him through it, over and over.

Another co-worker he was especially close to severed ties with Josh from things in her personal life. This crushed him. Another “loss”. Months of talking it out.

He was still becoming stronger and stronger.

His SB friends were his life. He ran and did and had a blast! 

His independence was growing.

But any time a “loss” occurred, a bad grade on a test at Lone Star, if he thought I was mad, or if he thought his dad was upset, if he didn’t do as well at work, etc. He had to process it with me.

His dad and I did everything we possibly could to help him heal and process life.

Imagine our excitement this past fall when he came in and told us he was running for a position in the student government at Lone Star College. I believe the advisor was shocked that he won with such a landslide and no one had even heard of him.

He went around rounding up people to vote for him.

In January he wanted to attend UofH. He was still working at SB, downtown now. He loved the opening shift. 4:30 in the morning. After a while though working that early and trying to go to school too became too much. He quit SB.

He said it was so he could have fun running around with his new friends from UofH and wouldn’t have to work. He had moved into an apartment by himself right off of campus.

Josh was going and doing just like a college kid should do. There had not been any signs of depression in about two years. We would still have to help him process things at times, but no depression.

Josh met a girl in his class on the first day. She is all we heard about, yet they were just friends. He began selling his precious knives and sound systems to fund their time. I couldn’t believe all the places they were going. It was constant. He was so happy!  Todd and I knew he was head over heals for this girl but we don’t think he knew exactly what it was! 

On Friday, April 7, Josh attended Amber’s ring day at TAMU. He spent the day with both sets of grandparents and his uncle and cousin and Beth. He laughed and had a blast. What a blessing it was. You can look at all the pictures and see how happy he was.

Josh was NOT DEPRESSED.

He wanted to get back to his “shed” as he called his apartment because said girl was bored. From what we can piece together they had such a great time all weekend and worked on a project they had to present on Tuesday.

Monday, April 10, Josh came home to spend time with me because he was going to be busy the next day on my birthday. He brought me a precious butterfly picture. We got coffee, went to the store, went to Best Buy.

Tuesday, April 11, Josh and his girl, gave their presentation at 4:30 . They were excited they did so well. They then went to eat where she told him she thought they needed to cool it.

WHAT WE HAVE PIECED TOGETHER:

1.     For a year and a half V had been bullied by a family friend.

2.     She never told her parents who it was.

3.     On April 4, this bully turned on Josh sending him horrible pictures of V and over 70 emails in a three hour window.

4.     The kids went to campus police. She filed a complaint but Josh did not because he didn’t feel threatened. He was just extremely upset and wanted to protect her.

5.     Things were getting too much for her and she was embarrassed that Josh was drug into this.

6.     After reading texts from 8:30pm, April10 to her, we can see where Josh was trying to talk it out with her like he usually did with me.

7.     She didn’t know how to communicate like he needed.

8.     Wednesday morning he had made his decision.

9.     He never contacted me. He was trying to handle it like an adult. He didn’t want me to hear his voice this time.

10. At 1 pm he sent his last text which read,” I’m losing another best friend except this time not with a bullet.” He was referring to Zach.

11. Between 1-4 he shot himself while in his apartment.

Because of having walked those three years where he was in so much pain because of Zach, I know exactly what he was thinking and feeling in that 12 hour window.

I can picture him pacing and processing like so many times before. His mind went straight back to 2011 and the hard, horrible journey he had to overcome. His mind broke. He thought he had found his soul friend that was finally going to replace Zach. Mom said God would provide one some time.

This wasn’t a “high” before the fall like you see sometimes. HE WAS NOT DEPRESSED. Josh was having the time of his life. He loved “V”. When she told him they needed to cool it, for what ever reason, final or just temporary, his mind broke.

Yes, he knew what he was doing. He knew what it was going to do to me and his sister and dad.

Yes, he was done. He couldn’t see that he would make it. He couldn’t see that the pain would get any better.

He also knew that I would understand. That I knew the immeasurable pain he was in for those 12 hours.

I had to let him go at some point in his life. If it weren’t this time, it would have been another time of loss that was crushing. I couldn’t follow him around for the rest of his life. He had the skills and knowledge. But the pain….

I cannot go into much of the legal stuff because we are still waiting on UofH. We are in touch with V’s family and are walking this nightmare with them.

You see, God knew before Josh was born that he needed me as his mother. That I would only have him for almost 19 years. That Josh needed parents who could provide what he needed.

Mental illness is a horrible disease. Even Todd doesn’t fully get it because he has never had that hopeless, clinically depressed, black darkness that overtakes your mind. But I do. And that is ok.

In my mommy heart I knew one day this would happen if he suffered another soul friend kind of loss. I’ve carried this in my heart for 6 years now. I wasn’t fearful or worried. I didn’t expect it now. But I knew how Josh’s mind worked.

He wasn’t depressed. We didn’t miss anything. His friends didn’t miss anything.

We didn’t know about the 12 hour happenings and break up.

If we had, I would have been by his side to walk him through it. But this time he was trying to do it himself.

The pain is so horrible. We have a very long road to go, but we will survive.

I do know:

1.     Josh is in heaven because he knew the Lord. His last Google searches were “what is heaven like”.

2.     He is no longer in pain.

3.     His failed body is whole again.

4.     Jesus was waiting as he pulled the trigger.

5.     Josh and Zach are together again, forever!

6.     Todd, Amber and I have no guilt.

I wish it hadn’t happened. But Joshy, Mommy understands and I’m not mad!

And, we WILL SEE YOU ONE DAY!