Today Means Amen

Go with the pain. Go where your grief leads you.

Well, you know what? This sucks. It sucks and I don’t like it.

We have been moving forward. Going along. What are we supposed to do? Todd works and comes home to me. I do what ever needs doing and wait for Todd.

I work twice a week. I smile and watch as others have gone on with their lives.

Todd and I agree it still feels like we are watching all of this from afar. Isn’t he supposed to be home soon?

What do you do with four tubs of legos? We were saving them for his children. Do we save every little piece of paper and lego and book and turtle and space ship? For what?

Right now, we concentrate on helping Amber. Six more weeks. Why couldn’t her college years be normal like others? Why did it have to be shadowed with the loss of Zach, Josh falling completely apart, and finally his death.

Amber hasn’t even had time to grieve her brother. A week after he died she had to complete Organic Chemistry. Then a full summer school load. Now her last semester. Three intense classes. Her brain on overload. She is tired, burned out, tired.

Why couldn’t it be easy for her? My stress level is off the roof watching. Holding my breath that each test will be success. I have never wanted something to be finished so bad in my life.
Just get to the end and play with horses my sweet girl.


And joy. Halloween with all the “fun” costumes. I stopped to pick up some dinner. Who greeted me but a young girl with fake blood all over herself. You want me to show you blood?
How about real blood from a gunshot wound. Oh you are just so funny pretending to be a dead person walking.

A month from now it’s Thanksgiving. I truly don’t care to be thankful today. Maybe tomorrow.

Right now, it’s about making it to December 15 @ 2:00. The day Amber completes her goal.

Who cares if she finds a real job. Just be relaxed, rested, free from stress. Go play with horses.

As I sit here and write, I look over and see Josh’s poetry book from class. “Today Means Amen.”

“Dear you, whoever you are, however you got here, this is exactly where you are supposed to be..” “You made it, You made it, You made it…. Here.”

Yes, here we are….. one step at a time. Feeling and marching on…..

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. I forgive easily.

I’ve been told I might go through a phase where I’m mad at Josh. No, I’m not. I never will be.

Guilt…. I don’t have any. When we realized Josh was getting worse, I mean, really worse, when he said he was going to go down to the bridge and jump off so the pain could end…..

I made a statement on Facebook that I would put my life on hold to help him heal.

And, I did. I told Todd if we ever lost him, I was not going to look back and say, “I should have…”.

No guilt from Todd and I.  Did we do everything perfect…. NO.  Did we do every single thing we could do…. YES. 

On my support group, I read day after day of moms and dads who have the guilt. Who can’t forgive themselves. They didn’t know the depth of pain, perhaps they had an argument that was the trigger of the end. Maybe, they didn’t know what to do.

Guilt…. but, forgiveness….

Josh kept all the papers that he and Maria worked on years ago. I found them tucked away.

 Since his healing day, I’ve had to choose whether to forgive..  Forgive those who pulled away from us because they didn’t understand. Forgive those who said things about how we handled Josh and our family ways. Forgive myself that I didn’t know what had transpired those last 15 hours of his life. Forgive that I couldn’t help him one last time. Forgive “V” for telling him she needed to deal with some things in her life that he mistook for forever.

Just forgive…. And I have and did quickly.

Do I forgive Zach? I never have blamed my second son. Do I forgive God for allowing this to happen?  HE DIDN’T CAUSE IT.

The one person I’m struggling to forgive though, is Jacob. The one who was cyber bullying them. The one who did such damage to “V”. The one Josh was so set on keeping from hurting his love. A young man, dying himself from a true and figurative heart condition…. Angry…. Revengeful.

I’m trying to forgive. I pity him. I want to blame him. But, forgiveness……

Ephesians 4:32 in the Message Bible says, “Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgive and let go of the anger. Forgive yourself…. Forgive others…

I’m pretty sure when Josh saw Zach again he forgave him 100 percent.