Forgiveness

Forgiveness

I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. I forgive easily.

I’ve been told I might go through a phase where I’m mad at Josh. No, I’m not. I never will be.

Guilt…. I don’t have any. When we realized Josh was getting worse, I mean, really worse, when he said he was going to go down to the bridge and jump off so the pain could end…..

I made a statement on Facebook that I would put my life on hold to help him heal.

And, I did. I told Todd if we ever lost him, I was not going to look back and say, “I should have…”.

No guilt from Todd and I.  Did we do everything perfect…. NO.  Did we do every single thing we could do…. YES. 

On my support group, I read day after day of moms and dads who have the guilt. Who can’t forgive themselves. They didn’t know the depth of pain, perhaps they had an argument that was the trigger of the end. Maybe, they didn’t know what to do.

Guilt…. but, forgiveness….

Josh kept all the papers that he and Maria worked on years ago. I found them tucked away.

 Since his healing day, I’ve had to choose whether to forgive..  Forgive those who pulled away from us because they didn’t understand. Forgive those who said things about how we handled Josh and our family ways. Forgive myself that I didn’t know what had transpired those last 15 hours of his life. Forgive that I couldn’t help him one last time. Forgive “V” for telling him she needed to deal with some things in her life that he mistook for forever.

Just forgive…. And I have and did quickly.

Do I forgive Zach? I never have blamed my second son. Do I forgive God for allowing this to happen?  HE DIDN’T CAUSE IT.

The one person I’m struggling to forgive though, is Jacob. The one who was cyber bullying them. The one who did such damage to “V”. The one Josh was so set on keeping from hurting his love. A young man, dying himself from a true and figurative heart condition…. Angry…. Revengeful.

I’m trying to forgive. I pity him. I want to blame him. But, forgiveness……

Ephesians 4:32 in the Message Bible says, “Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgive and let go of the anger. Forgive yourself…. Forgive others…

I’m pretty sure when Josh saw Zach again he forgave him 100 percent.