I Met Her!

Dear Joshua,

Who was this person you were continually texting when you were with us? Oh, it was a girl. Someone who became your best friend in such a short time. The one you went to the zoo with to take pictures of the red panda. Met every day between classes. Attended poetry readings with. Took to five star restaurants instead of McDonalds.

Only the best for this girl. Who is she?

We knew something was up when you kept selling your knives and earphone collection in order

to fund your outings. The one you would “run” back to campus to pick up because she was bored. Hey wait, you were supposed to be home for the weekend.   Hmmmm.

We began to see a difference in you sweetie. You were so happy. More relaxed. I knew your body language and I could see.

Since Zach you couldn’t hug or relax your hand. You may have had a smile, but your hand never relaxed.

Private, yes you and she were very private. I couldn’t get much out of you. I think you were afraid I would quiz her if I ever met her. But the little I got, I could tell. You were crazy about this person.

We had an agreement that if I texted and you were with her you would just say so and I wouldn’t bother you. Well, that became more frequent. Yet, you still shared the places you went. You couldn’t help yourself. We were that close.

I told you it was hard to share you with this new person. I was used to having you all to myself. For 18 years. But, I was so pleased you were having the time of your life, finally….

You would just give me that smile!

I wanted to meet this person! I know you wanted us to meet her as well. I read your last texts. I was finally going to meet her!

And, I did…. I met her as she quietly came in and they sat her beside me. I took her hands and looked her in the eye. I told her the heart wrenching news…..   

This precious girl….

We have texted over the past 7 months. You had told me she was shy. I’ve tried to control myself with the questions. But I want to know her! As a person….. I want to know this girl who you couldn’t live without.

Finally, last week, she agreed to meet with me. I picked her up from campus. I couldn’t look around too much. I didn’t want to see your apartment building. But I saw her! Walking toward me. I wondered if she was as nervous as me.

We drove to eat at Sweet Paris Crepêrie. We talked and laughed. I told her I wanted to get to know her for who she was. I didn’t want to just talk about you. I wanted her to be relaxed with me. I wanted to get to know this precious girl who you were so crazy about.

You were right Joshua. She was and is fantastic. She is beautiful, stunning with those big brown eyes and fantastic black hair.

But she is more than that. She is intelligent, insightful… she is caring and tender.

We ended our time talking of you. It was a special time.

I have closer now. I have peace.

I would like to stay in touch with this treasurable girl. We shall see…..

You did good buddy…..

Love you forever,

Mom

Today Means Amen

Go with the pain. Go where your grief leads you.

Well, you know what? This sucks. It sucks and I don’t like it.

We have been moving forward. Going along. What are we supposed to do? Todd works and comes home to me. I do what ever needs doing and wait for Todd.

I work twice a week. I smile and watch as others have gone on with their lives.

Todd and I agree it still feels like we are watching all of this from afar. Isn’t he supposed to be home soon?

What do you do with four tubs of legos? We were saving them for his children. Do we save every little piece of paper and lego and book and turtle and space ship? For what?

Right now, we concentrate on helping Amber. Six more weeks. Why couldn’t her college years be normal like others? Why did it have to be shadowed with the loss of Zach, Josh falling completely apart, and finally his death.

Amber hasn’t even had time to grieve her brother. A week after he died she had to complete Organic Chemistry. Then a full summer school load. Now her last semester. Three intense classes. Her brain on overload. She is tired, burned out, tired.

Why couldn’t it be easy for her? My stress level is off the roof watching. Holding my breath that each test will be success. I have never wanted something to be finished so bad in my life.
Just get to the end and play with horses my sweet girl.


And joy. Halloween with all the “fun” costumes. I stopped to pick up some dinner. Who greeted me but a young girl with fake blood all over herself. You want me to show you blood?
How about real blood from a gunshot wound. Oh you are just so funny pretending to be a dead person walking.

A month from now it’s Thanksgiving. I truly don’t care to be thankful today. Maybe tomorrow.

Right now, it’s about making it to December 15 @ 2:00. The day Amber completes her goal.

Who cares if she finds a real job. Just be relaxed, rested, free from stress. Go play with horses.

As I sit here and write, I look over and see Josh’s poetry book from class. “Today Means Amen.”

“Dear you, whoever you are, however you got here, this is exactly where you are supposed to be..” “You made it, You made it, You made it…. Here.”

Yes, here we are….. one step at a time. Feeling and marching on…..

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. I forgive easily.

I’ve been told I might go through a phase where I’m mad at Josh. No, I’m not. I never will be.

Guilt…. I don’t have any. When we realized Josh was getting worse, I mean, really worse, when he said he was going to go down to the bridge and jump off so the pain could end…..

I made a statement on Facebook that I would put my life on hold to help him heal.

And, I did. I told Todd if we ever lost him, I was not going to look back and say, “I should have…”.

No guilt from Todd and I.  Did we do everything perfect…. NO.  Did we do every single thing we could do…. YES. 

On my support group, I read day after day of moms and dads who have the guilt. Who can’t forgive themselves. They didn’t know the depth of pain, perhaps they had an argument that was the trigger of the end. Maybe, they didn’t know what to do.

Guilt…. but, forgiveness….

Josh kept all the papers that he and Maria worked on years ago. I found them tucked away.

 Since his healing day, I’ve had to choose whether to forgive..  Forgive those who pulled away from us because they didn’t understand. Forgive those who said things about how we handled Josh and our family ways. Forgive myself that I didn’t know what had transpired those last 15 hours of his life. Forgive that I couldn’t help him one last time. Forgive “V” for telling him she needed to deal with some things in her life that he mistook for forever.

Just forgive…. And I have and did quickly.

Do I forgive Zach? I never have blamed my second son. Do I forgive God for allowing this to happen?  HE DIDN’T CAUSE IT.

The one person I’m struggling to forgive though, is Jacob. The one who was cyber bullying them. The one who did such damage to “V”. The one Josh was so set on keeping from hurting his love. A young man, dying himself from a true and figurative heart condition…. Angry…. Revengeful.

I’m trying to forgive. I pity him. I want to blame him. But, forgiveness……

Ephesians 4:32 in the Message Bible says, “Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgive and let go of the anger. Forgive yourself…. Forgive others…

I’m pretty sure when Josh saw Zach again he forgave him 100 percent.

Your Room

Your room…..

Your safe spot….

That room was your’s for the past 5 years.

You moved into that room a very depressed 13 year old.

Over the next five years it would become a safe spot, a healing spot.

The place NO ONE could enter without stressing you.

The place we heard you laughing and laughing with Andrew, Desi and Ryan.

As your laughter carried down the stairs, visitors would think you had someone up there.

No, just your online friends…..

Flick, flick, flick…. As you opened and closed your knife as you played and talked to your friends.

That certain squeak I still wish I could hear as you opened your door to yell, “mom” every single time.

“Oh, hi Dad. Where’s mom?” “Want to go get some ice cream?” “Mom, what’s for dinner?”

The floor I laid down in to comfort you when you were having an episode. The safe place you could go to and cry, laugh, and play.

Not even letting Sadie step foot into your room. Many times I caught you lying in the doorway holding Sadie because she was scared of the weather.

The room you didn’t want touched when you moved to your own apartment. The room you came back to and took a nap because you said you slept better in the Big House.

The special furniture your dad made for you. The furniture you helped your dad make when we lived in Dayton.

Remember how proud you were? That smile….. The first time you walked into your room and Daddy had it all set up!

Now, your room is almost bare. I am so happy we can let someone else use your furniture.

I had to leave as they moved it out. Your dad was at work. We couldn’t see it taken out of your room. Something about it leaving the room, your space….. It was your’s.

You would be very happy to know that it is being used by your best friends as they move to a new apartment.

Our hope for joy, just as you had using that made out of love furniture

Your toothbrush will just have to stay for now….

Thank you room…..