Anchor

After being sick and in bed for a week, my emotions were beginning to sink. My mind had too much time to think. The only peace I had was when I was asleep. I would wake up and the ship felt like it was sinking deep.

The visions of Joshua’s last 12 hours were haunting me. Making me feel like I was drowning. Wishing I would. Let me just join him. Let me be with my boy.

But I stayed a float. Yep, I kept waking up. My body was in such destress and my mind was sinking.

 

How did I stay afloat? I know, I won’t ever forget my buoy. I have a fabulous husband, the hurting father, who misses his boy. His strength encouraging and nurturing me when I was so sick. Oh, how I love him.

But, we have a larger anchor. The anchor forever, who sustains us.

Amazingly, a couple of days ago, I get a text from one of Joshua’s friends. She and her husband knew Joshua from one of the last stores he worked in. Older than he, such an influence.

You see, Lauren and I bonded from the beginning. We have the same anchor.

She said she and “Eddie” were at a concert and the words to a song made her think of me.

Anchor – by Beautiful Eulogy –

 

At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony

And through the tragedy asks himself how can this happen to me?

You might be the type with enough insight to hold

On for your dear life but slip because your grip is not as

Tight as you might like

You ain't immune to it, naw, and if

You true to yourself then you ain't new to it

Trusted in self, lusted and lured to it

So when the darkness overwhelms me

And the tide of life rises and swells "It is Well" is what compels me.

When faced with adversity your truth

Constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease

And with words you're turning wind to breeze. It helps me

To understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking

Sand. Through the providence of pain you perfect your plan

Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of

God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace

And Faith. And even though its obvious when my outlooks

Ominous you've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me

A constant calmness. So when the pain comes like rain from

The parts of life that maintains its strain I can put my

Trust in the hands that sustain. It's profound that with

All these sinking ships around me, He surrounds me and he

Anchors me with his grace abounding

I let the enemy tell me I must not be holding on to God when I feel like I’m drowning. That’s a lie. I know in my heart where my anchor is. I may feel like I am drowning, being thrown to and fro, but I’m still upright. Still afloat.

Thank you for the reminder Lauren. Thank you for not forgetting my Joshy.

Tangled Lights

I saw this picture on my support group. It gave such an accurate visual of my grief.

Tangled Christmas lights. One half shine bright while the other half are off, no light shining bright.

Painstakingly, I look for the blown bulb. The one bulb that caused the light to go out.

If I could just change that bulb, the others would come back on.

Some are shining, clear, sparkling. The others, dark, shades of the color they should be if the light would just come back on.

One tiny bulb causing this frustration and outage.

The month of December had shades of light. Bright shining light.

Yet, the light bulb was out.

Missing was the shining smile. The fast-humored comments. My best buddy.

The finals, and finally the awaited graduation. Everyone so happy for our girl. Josh would have been bored out of his mind sitting for three hours. Yet laughing with his Aunt Misty as she sang the TAMU school song. Making fun of all of the hard to pronounce foreign names being called, and then hooted when the announcer mispronounced Amber’s Vietnamese middle name of Mai. Exceedingly proud of his sister though.

Happy families everywhere. Disney, the happiest place. Unless you are missing a bulb in the tangled string of lights known as the new us. The family of three.

Times of happy light trickle in. Yet I can’t see another happy family for the moment. Always a reminder that our Christmas lights are off because of the missing bulb.

Just like the tangled lights, there is a string of lights that are still on. Holding on for dear life.

Amber, Todd and I hold on to each other. Shining the light and being the light needed for the day.

Encouragement sent from new friends and old. A new set of "kids" Josh would be thrilled to see because he loved his second "sister" so.

 A Christmas dinner attended by Josh’s friends. Time taken from their day to give this grieving mom a hug and a smile. I had a coin made for them, reminding them to never give up and had Josh’s initials placed in the middle.

NEVER GIVE UP

As frustrating as tangled lights can be, I will patiently keep making progress. Our string of lights will never be complete this side of Heaven. But I never forget that Jesus is shining His light each day in the form of Grace! Helping me walk and talk and get out of bed. Reminding me of memories past and giving me hope for the future. One day Todd, Amber and I will see that glorious light that Joshua sees. Once again, I will hold my sweet boy.

 Until then, I keep my faith and put on my badge.

KEPT GOING