Josh's Wings

My heart’s desire is for the Lord to allow Josh to come to me in a dream. Many of the moms in my support group have had this blessed event. It is a very rare occasion, and when a mom shares the visit with us, we all are so very happy for her.

 I want that feeling of having my boy for just a split second, hug me and tell me he is ok. I know he is ok and healed, but oh this momma heart needs just once…..

Josh has come to four people. Not just a normal dream, but they knew he was there.

One was Regina, our dear friend who cut his hair as a little boy. She said she saw him from afar. She knew he was not in the world she was in. He was walking down the street with a few other boys. One boy in particular was a blond boy, walking right next to Josh. As they passed by, Josh looked over at her and said, “Oh, Hi!” She said there was nothing but happiness and peace.

Right after Josh died, he appeared to his therapist, Maria. He hugged her and said, “Everything is fine. My mom will take care of everything.”

The third person he appeared to was his barista friend Vanessa. They were on bar making coffee. As usual, she said he was on number one bar. She said he always had to be in control. Haha She said he was so happy and told her not to worry, that their SB crew would all be together again one day.

Then today. I had lunch with Ann who has always been a grandmother figure in Josh and Amber’s life. She said he came to her and it was as if he was behind a white vale. His arms stretched out as if praising God. Wings covered the back of him and a bright light was illuminated in front of him. Ann wanted to paint what she saw in the dream. She painted several pictures of it and was trying to include a butterfly in the painting. Each and every time she finished the painting, something happened to it and it was messed up. She felt the nudging to paint just what she had seen in the dream, nothing added. So she began. It only took her about 40 minutes to paint just what she saw.

I know many will think I have lost my mind believing it was Josh visiting them. I choose to believe it was. I have dreamed about him but it is always about him in the past.

In Psalm 61:4 it says: I long to dwell in your tent forever; and take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

My precious Joshy, you are dwelling in the Lord’s tent forever and you are in the shadow of His wings. You are covered with His wings. You are safe and you are healed.

The Concrete Wheel

So many feelings and thoughts going through my head. We are getting closer to the year anniversary of Josh’s heaven day. I really can’t believe it. Where did this year go? It’s as if I have been in a painful sleep for a year. I remember some of it…. It’s all so weird.

It’s coming…

My sweet neighbor who lost her daughter spoke true words to me in a card this week.

Letting me know she understands.

“I remember an image leading up to my daughter’s 1 year. It was of this huge concrete wheel that kept moving forward and I kept trying to stop it – yelling, pushing, anything – because I knew if I didn’t stop it before 1 year officially passed, then it would be true – her death – it would be somehow more final. As if I could still reverse what had happened up until then. Such a terrible feeling of panic and desperation. “

There isn’t a doubt in my mind that God has us. He has walked with us for 11 months.  But oh God, please make it stop.

I happened to read this from my support group:

“Most people think that grieving is about the big annual events—about Christmases and birthdays and the like, and of course it is. But the brutal truth is that these other anniversaries are equally devastating and far more frequent….And since these days and times and triggers aren’t obvious to most people in our lives (and since we don’t have the time or the words to describe them all), they are usually unaware of just how much and just how often we mourn. Even those who are closest to us and care for us greatly remain largely oblivious to our recurring sadness.”

That concrete wheel is getting closer and closer….I too wish I could stop it……

Then another image comes into my mind. The image of the rock that was rolled away from Jesus’ tomb. The picture I see is a large “wheel” being rolled away. And guess what….

THE TOMB WAS EMPTY!

Because that tomb was empty, my baby is healed……

And I will see him again!

But until then, I cling to what I believe. I’m reminded of the verse Josh loved. The one he texted me and said, “BEST.VERSE.EVER.”

Blessed be the Lord, my rock,
    who trains my hands for war,
    and my fingers for battle;
² he is my steadfast love and my fortress,
    my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield and he in whom I take refuge, Psalm 144:1-2

I know the sadness will remain and there will be pain. I will continue to be triggered in ways no one knows. But God has trained my hands for war. War against death and hopelessness. The Lord is my stronghold and my deliverer!

I miss you my sweet boy……