The Concrete Wheel

So many feelings and thoughts going through my head. We are getting closer to the year anniversary of Josh’s heaven day. I really can’t believe it. Where did this year go? It’s as if I have been in a painful sleep for a year. I remember some of it…. It’s all so weird.

It’s coming…

My sweet neighbor who lost her daughter spoke true words to me in a card this week.

Letting me know she understands.

“I remember an image leading up to my daughter’s 1 year. It was of this huge concrete wheel that kept moving forward and I kept trying to stop it – yelling, pushing, anything – because I knew if I didn’t stop it before 1 year officially passed, then it would be true – her death – it would be somehow more final. As if I could still reverse what had happened up until then. Such a terrible feeling of panic and desperation. “

There isn’t a doubt in my mind that God has us. He has walked with us for 11 months.  But oh God, please make it stop.

I happened to read this from my support group:

“Most people think that grieving is about the big annual events—about Christmases and birthdays and the like, and of course it is. But the brutal truth is that these other anniversaries are equally devastating and far more frequent….And since these days and times and triggers aren’t obvious to most people in our lives (and since we don’t have the time or the words to describe them all), they are usually unaware of just how much and just how often we mourn. Even those who are closest to us and care for us greatly remain largely oblivious to our recurring sadness.”

That concrete wheel is getting closer and closer….I too wish I could stop it……

Then another image comes into my mind. The image of the rock that was rolled away from Jesus’ tomb. The picture I see is a large “wheel” being rolled away. And guess what….

THE TOMB WAS EMPTY!

Because that tomb was empty, my baby is healed……

And I will see him again!

But until then, I cling to what I believe. I’m reminded of the verse Josh loved. The one he texted me and said, “BEST.VERSE.EVER.”

Blessed be the Lord, my rock,
    who trains my hands for war,
    and my fingers for battle;
² he is my steadfast love and my fortress,
    my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield and he in whom I take refuge, Psalm 144:1-2

I know the sadness will remain and there will be pain. I will continue to be triggered in ways no one knows. But God has trained my hands for war. War against death and hopelessness. The Lord is my stronghold and my deliverer!

I miss you my sweet boy……