I'm not ok....and that is ok

I have tried to be the voice for Josh over these past 14 ½ months. I’ve encouraged person after person that it is ok to NOT be ok.

I have been very open about my grief walk. Not because I want attention, but because I needed to be open and honest for me.

God has nudged me to be open again today. To be open and honest. I’m not ok right now.

And it’s ok.

I’ve pushed myself to be my normal self until I’ve crashed. Normal? What the heck is normal now?

I feel like everything has finally caught up with me. Emotionally, well, I don’t have a lot of strength right now.

I’ve spent the last three days in bed resting. My psychologist that has known me for 19 years said I just need to rest. The 2^nd year is the hardest. Do what I have to do each day.

Lately, things trigger me. I hear something or see something and my mind goes back to the day my boy lay in his own blood with that hole in his head. The police, the white van, the rushing to his apartment, the knowing. Over and over my mind obsesses and I can’t stop it at times.

Think of the good memories. Don’t you understand, the good memories can only enter my brain for a brief time and then it hurts too bad.

I smile and remember the good before September 2011 when not only did we lose Zach, we lost the old Josh. I have to block the memories afterward. I praise God for the good memories we encountered the last two years of his life. I cling to the memories his “people” share with me. I am so thankful I now call them my friends.

Oh my hope hasn’t wavered. My hope is in a loving Father who is walking beside me.

I know without a doubt, my boy is healed and whole. He no longer is in pain and he is happy. That gives me such joy!  Just like if your child suffered from a terminal, painful illness and finally got rest.

BUT, he isn’t here and it hurts so much. But I would never want him back if it meant he would again hurt and be in such mental turmoil. This world was rough for him.

I am ok with taking the pain I’m in if it means he is ok. How many times have you heard a parent say, “I wish I could take the pain for you?” I’ll take it. I’ll figure it out.

I’m starting with a trauma therapist on Tuesday. I’m admitting I need some help now figuring out what normal is and how to know when I’ve had too much. I’m not my old self any more.

My psych says I’ve done well, for way too long and that’s NOT normal.

 

So, I’m taking the advice I give to many who are struggling. Get some help from a professional, cling to God and it’s ok!

I’m a fighter. I will continue to move forward.

God has provided me with such a support system. I have my family, old friends, new friends, and more.

God placed a group of neighbors around us before we even moved here. Sweet as can be. It is just another form of grace we have been provided.

Todd and I will make it together. Amber is happy and enjoying her job. That makes this mommy very relieved!

So, right now, I’m not doing very well. That’s ok. I can do this. I will fill up that emotional tank again. I will figure out how to find a new normal.

As I do, I will continue to be in awe of this PA weather, the beauty of the trees, the animal circus that surrounds us, new neighbors, new adventures, and the soft whisper I occasionally hear, “I’m ok mom.”